Self-harm [TRIGGER WARNING]

This is a severely sensitive subject and may cause triggers. If you feel like you need to talk or vent about any forms of self-harm, this is your safe zone.

Personally, I thought I'd never be the girl taking a razor to herself. I cut massively near my hip area in late 2012, and randomly throughout 2013. My longest break (other than before cutting), was for about 6 months at the end of 2013. I had a breakdown in January (I think. Maybe it was early Feb), but have not had any incidents since then.

I have random incidents of self harm too, which began last summer. I have no idea why, or where it comes from. I have a couple of deep scars on my thighs. I feel so stupid when I do it - I've always seen it as the domain of angsty teenagers. I guess not though.

I'm trying to stop cutting into my legs and arms. The summer is coming and I want to be able to go to the beach with my family. I think it's getting better.

I think I do it because it sort of switches my mind off for a while.

I do it because I feel like it will make me feel more, but numb me at the same time... I know that doesn't make sense It never helps once I do it, but when I get it in my head to cut myself, I HAVE to do it :/

If you ever need to talk, let me know. Maybe we can help each other out

Will do. Same goes for you of course Most of the close friends I've told about this totally freak out; and while I understand that response, it can be a bit tiring sometimes. Yes I know it's awful, yes I really want me to stop too.

Be nice to talk to someone who actually knows what this is like, and has an understanding of the frame of mind that leads me to do it.

Bleah it happened again. I was at dinner with my aunt and uncle, and my uncle (in a clearly well-meant but heavy handed sort of way) was grilling me about my PhD progress. I couldn't tell him the truth and just tried to avoid his questions. When I got home it was the only thing I could do to relieve the stress

(((HUGS)))

Do you think there is anything else you can do instead of self-harm? Anything to distract you?

I tried playing my favourite video game and making a cup of tea. But I'm like you - once I get it in my head, I'm all fidgety until I do it.

Do you have a preferred alternative?

I don't. I can go months and months without doing in and then suddenly I have the desire to. Maybe going for a walk? If you get out of the house, you can't do it. I mean, you could, but who would want to do it in public?

Maybe you can call someone and talk instead? I am sure if I talked to my boyfriend, the feeling would go away

The walk is a great idea

I don't like to bring this to my boyfriend - he gets really upset when I cut and it can put a lot of pressure on him. I always tell him after, but only when I'm feeling calm and I'm in a position to help him deal with it. I know that I need to look after myself too, but I really love him and I know how depression can take its toll on your loved ones.

That's just my boyfriend though - have you talked to yours about this?

But going for a walk, damn, that's fantastic, I never thought of that. Especially now the evenings are getting longer - I'll definitely try it next time

My boyfriend hates that I have cut, too. He asked me not to do it again, and then I ended up doing it. So, I just stopped telling him and when he would see/find the cuts near my hip, he wouldn't say anything. I know he cares about me, but I think it's selfish for him to get upset... it's not HIM that wants to die or mutilate his own body, it's me. Why should I feel even more guilty than I already feel? :/

I hope the walk helps! You could also make a playlist of songs that make you happy to listen to while on the walk. A letter to yourself saying why it's a good idea not to cut could be helpful as well

I can understand why it's upsetting. He thinks I don't deserve to be in pain. He has experienced depression too though, so I think he can empathize. He understands where it's coming from.

We've talked about it and he's accepting - he still wants me to stop, but for me, not for him. And he understands that it's not something you can just switch off. But it still must be hard for him to see. I'd be really upset if our roles were reversed.

So it's ok to acknowledge that our boyfriends are upset, I think ... but we should both try harder to lose the guilt! It's not serving us any purpose and it only makes things worse.

I think I'll hang my swimsuit up somewhere in my flat that I can see it - my biggest motivation to stop this is the thought that summer is approaching again, and how awkward it was this time last year to hide all the cuts. I want to be able to go to the beach and not be covering myself up too much :p

Hanging the bathing suit up is a great idea!

I have a card from my therapist with my next appointment on it, and she also wrote a note for me that says "THINK" because I tend not to think before I blow up... it's helped a lot, along with my new meds. I haven't had an urge to cut myself lately