Eating disorder/ body dysmorphic disorder

So now that it's Saturday and I have some time on my hands, I'll share a little about me. After a breakup of a 5 year relationship, I started to become increasingly concerned about how I looked. I didn't realize until later that my relationship had been emotionally abusive and that I developed most of my insecurities from being put down by my long time significant other (too fat, then too skinny, then too chubby again). After I moved away from my home town after the break up, I started getting crying spells. They would come on and last a few hours. I picked myself up and with the help of friends started growing and working out- I become really fit! I ended up dropping out of uni and joining the military. During basic training, I lost close to 30 pounds. I didn't have an ounce of fat on me and my abs were INSANE! When my parents saw me, however, they sat me down and told me I looked like a skeleton. From then on, I became obsessed with keeping my abs. I was 5'11'' at about 140lbs. My hormones and bodily functions were out of whack and the crying spells started again. I became depressed. Whenever I couldn't see my abs as clearly, I'd flip out (crying, screaming, panic attacks, etc). I was diagnosed with orthorexia with anorexic behavior. I was eating about 1800 calories at the time. I started treatment after multiple breakdowns at work and home. I was put on klonopin and zoloft. After changing psychiatrists, I was taken off klonopin. I went through insanely painful withdrawals and dealt with body dysmorphic disorder. I would get undressed and take hours to look in the mirror several times a day to make sure I looked aesthetically pleasing. I went through multiple dieting cycles- low carb, oatmeal only, ketogenic, then paleo- all the while counting EVERY single calorie and thing I ate. I also worked out several times a day. After a while I slowly started gaining weight, all the while freaking out as the abs faded a bit. Fast forward to now and I've gained close to 17 lbs. I've increased my strength at the gym and cut down the amount I work out substantially. My obsession with exercise and nutrition is still there, and I still go into depressive cycles when I see something I hate in the mirror. I feel like I may never be satisfied with my body and it drives me crazy day and night. I'm constantly thinking about food and when I'll eat or what I'll eat, when I can workout again, what I'm going to workout, etc. I've been able to stop counting calories (YAY!) and I am eating close to 3200+ (estimated) now. Lately, I have been extremely disappointed with body image and I've been more depressed than I have been in a long time. Most days, I'll stay in bed the entire day to avoid having to put on normal clothes. If I can stay in a hoodie and sweats the whole day I will. I've dealt with thoughts of suicide, but I haven't really been able to open up about that to anyone. That's a big red flag in the military.
Hobbies- I like to play video games, and I have always been a very social person up until recently. I love to talk to people.

While I do not have an eating disorder myself, I can definitely relate to body image issues. What kills me is that I can't even do anything about it(scars)

But an artist I used to know told me some words that stuck with me and that I've always tried to apply to myself, the people I befriend and the people I may love. She told me that "Nobody throws out a pretty picture for a few eraser smudges". What matters is the entire picture! We got flaws and stuff we hate about ourselves, but a lot of the time people aren't even going to be that critical or even notice the same things you do - Because more often than not we have qualities that shine far brighter than any flaw, much like how one doesn't generally look for eraser marks or stray lines on someones art. Unless you know, they're like an art teacher or something. So...yeah, fuck Art Teachers. The judgemental bastards makin us feel insecure n shit.

And while I know little to nothing about you as a person, the fact that you're putting in the effort to make a place for everyone to heal shows that you have a good heart - And there's no questioning that something like that outshines any amount of outer beauty one could achieve.

Wise words! Although when I see them, they're a lot more than a few eraser marks. To me, my body image is the big picture. But I am grateful for the kind words! =). I appreciate that.

What I compare it to is art as well. People who see my paintings always love them, but I'm hesitant to believe them because, as the creator and one who examines the piece, know it intimately, I find so many flaws.

Try viewing yourself from others' eyes. I'm sure they don't see the flaws you think you have.. I still have a hard time accepting compliments from others, because my ex husband was terribly cruel with his words. I'm finally starting to heal on my own, though, because I know he was using those words to put me down and control me. It's up to myself to love me for me, even if I don't like myself sometimes

I guess that's what it boils down to- loving myself. Someone asked me that the other day and I really couldn't answer. I guess I kinda don't. I just don't have a positive self image at all.