Anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating disorder...

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Anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating disorder...

Post by junesky on Thu Apr 03, 2014 4:04 pm

I have so many problems that it often feels crippling trying to figure out where to start when explaining it to anyone, especially therapists.

First off, my support group got cancelled tonight and I want to feel less alone, which is why I decided to make this my first time posting.

I guess I will just jump right in. I have been to counseling on and off since the age of 12. I was always forced to go to religious centers and it was controlled by my parents heavily, so I got very little out of this until I turned 18, 3 years ago. Due to loss of insurance soon after, I've been without meds and without support for most of my adult life. When I did try meds, it was an unsuccessful array of SSRI's. The only thing that ever came close to helping my panic was Ativan, and I was cut off after I started "abusing" it. I was, and always have been, simply desperate to feel anything above the baseline of crippling depression and sadness.

The most prevalent issue in my life is my eating disorder.I have struggled with anorexia (and EDNOS, eventually) on and off for around 6-7 years. Im not as underweight as I once was, but I'm struggling deeply immensely to keep it that way.

I'm also currently trying to shut down communication with my emotionally abusive (ex, soon to be), husband. This is traumatizing, as he has been the only person I have been remotely close to for the past year. He has fucked me up and fucked me over financially, mentally and physically.

The problems I have dealt with have caused me to miss out on a lot, including college. I want a college education more than anything, I don't want to work my manual labor trade job forever, it hurts me badly to feel so judged for my lack of education.

I'm embarrassed of who I have become, so I isolate myself and I no longer have friends, and most of my family has grown tired of my inability to recover. As much as I want to have friends, I wind up cancel log plans last minute out of panic and fear (also diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and panic attacks are becoming more frequent by the day).

This week, I made an appointment with a new psychiatrist and finally got my much needed Medicaid insurance. Some days I have hope. Most days I feel alone, empty, guilty, hopeless. I recently graduated from trade school and passed my licensing exam but I'm not able to find a job. This makes me feel even more worthless.

Now that you have my entire life story, heh, I will stop now.

junesky
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Re: Anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating disorder...

Post by amongstheliving on Thu Apr 03, 2014 4:23 pm

Hi, there Smile

I just want to say wow. You have been through a lot. One positive thing you can pull from all of this is that you are still moving forward, even if you don't want to. That takes a strong person.

I am divorced... my ex was abusive in every way, but that didn't make it any less difficult. Now, though, I am so glad that I was strong enough to leave him. I had no friends for almost two years while I was with him... right after I divorced and reached out to my friends from before, they were there for me. Some are still in my life, some aren't, but I have great friends right now. Some of them I have met online, but that doesn't change the fact that they mean a lot to me and are there for me when I need someone to talk to.

I gave up a scholarship for my ex. I am 23 and just back into school. I hate it, but it's something I need to do. If I can go to school with little motivation, you can do it with your desire to go.

Don't ever, ever be embarrassed of who you are. (unless you're a jackass haha)
Take deep breaths and believe in yourself. Keep going even when you want to give up. Reach out, even if you don't feel like doing it. Slowly, you will become someone you love

I have bipolar 1 with most recent episode severe depression with psychotic tendencies. I have anxiety, but not nearly as bad as it used to be. I NEVER thought I would "get better" or feel "normal" ....I felt normal once on meds (that I had to get off of Sad ) and I want to feel that way again. It IS possible... you just have to believe in yourself. Don't let your husband make you feel worthless. Only you can give yourself value. Take that scary step forward, and don't look back. We are here for you
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Re: Anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating disorder...

Post by Admin on Thu Apr 03, 2014 7:14 pm

Thanks for sharing. Like Amongst said, you have been through a lot. I can definitely relate to the eating disorder. After a five year relationship ended badly, I moved in with friends in another city. I started recovering from the emotional part, and did well there. After moving away from my them and my normal routine, I became increasingly depressed and obsessed with my weight and looks. I lost over 30 pounds and was around 140 at almost 6 ft. My ribs and bones were showing and I looked (although I didn't think at the time) like a skeleton. I was obsessed with calories and was counting every single thing I ate. I was eating about 1800 calories a day, running 4-5 miles a day, and lifting weights 5 times a week. I went through so many week of failed attempts at just eating without counting. But anytime I did, I would look in the mirror (a habit I still do multiple times a day, although not to the same extent at all) and hate what I saw and literally try to rip the fat off my stomach and punish myself for being ugly and fat. I later took a body fat measurement that said I was under 3.5%. I struggled for months and one day was actually able to stop counting. Since then I've gained close to 20 lbs slowly. I still struggle with it every day and hate the way I look most days. This has caused depression and anxiety and I literally can't put on other clothes than a hoody and sweatpants. I get terrified to put on jeans and pants. I still workout a lot and eat very healthy, partially because I like to and I get panic attacks when I eat junk and look "fatter" (bloated). I still struggle a lot with the obsession with food and calories in my head and balancing calories with activity, but I've come a long way in the last year. A lot of it came from my ex telling me I was too fat at one point, so I lost a lot of weight and then told me I was too thin, so I ate more and guess what? Too chubby. After the split I realized I was dealing with emotional abuse and that she played my insecurities. I'm sharing this because I don't want you to deal with what I did. At some point, my body started failing on my and I'm still dealing with what I did to it. I want very much to help you because I relate a lot to what you have been through. I've made huge strides and would like to share what I've learned and how I've done it. Feel free to message me anytime and we can talk!
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Re: Anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating disorder...

Post by MangoFreak on Thu Apr 03, 2014 10:45 pm

junesky wrote:I'm embarrassed of who I have become, so I isolate myself and I no longer have friends, and most of my family has grown tired of my inability to recover. As much as I want to have friends, I wind up cancel log plans last minute out of panic and fear (also diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and panic attacks are becoming more frequent by the day).

This week, I made an appointment with a new psychiatrist and finally got my much needed Medicaid insurance. Some days I have hope. Most days I feel alone, empty, guilty, hopeless. I recently graduated from trade school and passed my licensing exam but I'm not able to find a job. This makes me feel even more worthless.

Don't be embarrassed. Please please don't ever feel that way. Things happen to people, whether it was a matter of their control or not. It doesn't mean that we're worthless. You've gone through a lot from what I've read. A lot of things that admittedly I cannot understand. But before you label yourself as worthless, please take a good look at yourself and realize what you have done.

You are trying to break free from abuse, and I assume you are doing it of your own initiative at this point. You went to trade school to get something a little more out of your life. You're trying to control your eating disorder by, presumably, sheer force of will. You know what this tells me? Despite that overwhelmingly crippling feeling of sadness and defeat and whatever else you may face, you still feel like telling misery to fuck right off and bring some light into your life. You have self worth. You have the bravery to fight back. Its far, far more than can be said of many people out there in the world.

I know it probably doesn't seem that way to you, but I sincerely believe that's true. Just keep focusing on that and try and make the fire burn brighter. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for.
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